One of the biggest misconceptions about divorce mediation is that it allows the more dominant spouse to bully the less vocal spouse into an agreement that is skewed to benefit the more dominant spouse. It is a quick fix that allows the more dominant spouse to continue dominating. In reality, divorce mediation is designed to prevent exactly that. Divorce mediation is a process where a neutral third party, the mediator, helps spouses discuss and resolve the issues involved in their divorce. These issues tend to be child custody and a detailed parenting plan, division of marital assets and debts, child support calculation and spousal support terms. The mediator does not take sides or make decisions. Their role is to facilitate productive conversations, ensure both voices are heard, and guide the parties toward mutually agreeable solutions.
Mediators are trained to recognize power imbalances and ensure that each person has an equal opportunity to share their perspective. If one party tries to dominate, manipulate, or bully the other, the divorce mediator steps in and redirects the process. Sometimes, especially when there is a history of abuse in the relationship, the power imbalance is so off, and the less dominant party is not comfortable or unable to speak up. If this is to occur then the divorce mediator will suggest that the parties stop mediation and seek alternative means of divorce. Usually the abused spouse needs a divorce attorney to be their advocate and speak up for them in their stead.
Being louder to get your way is not the purpose of mediation. Both parties are expected to contribute to the vision of what their new, separate, futures will look like. It needs to be absolutely clear that divorce mediation is not, and is never meant to be, a tool for bullying, coercion, or manipulation.
The very foundation of divorce mediation is built on principles that stand in direct opposition to bullying. The mediator is a neutral third party. The mediator does not represent either spouse, take sides, judge, decide who is right, or pressure one party into an unfair deal. The divorce mediator guides the conversation and ensures that both voices are heard. The goal is to reach a mutually acceptable resolution that makes sense for your individual scenario. You have the option to make personal choices. There is no cookie-cutter divorce agreement.
In divorce mediation, the parties are the decision-makers, not a judge. The parties retain control over the divorce process and outcome, rather than ceding this power to a random judge that is assigned to their case in court. This empowerment is a key benefit, allowing for creative, personalized solutions that a court might not offer. A bully’s goal is to manipulate the outcome in their own favor while a divorce mediator allows both parties to contribute to and impact the decisions being made.
A spouse who is accustomed to bullying or dominating the relationship will often find the mediation environment frustrating because divorce mediation offers a level playing field. The mediator makes sure that the power dynamics are balanced ensuring both parties speak without interruption, clarifying any misunderstandings and reiterating agreed upon decisions. The mediator is grounded in reality and less emotional than the parties involved. The divorce mediator can reality test any outrageous demands, which counters the emotional bluster of a bully. Mediation is designed to move discussions away from personal attacks and toward practical problem-solving.
The final backstop that prevents a bully from browbeating the other party into submission and an unfair divorce agreement is what is done outside of divorce mediation. Since the divorce mediator is neutral and does not take sides or give legal advice, each party is advised to use a review attorney to access this type of support. This allows each party to fully understand their rights and the fairness of any proposed terms. This recommendation is applicable to all divorce mediations, but especially vital when a bully is involved.
